In the Meantine....

Hearts that have been cracked
and put back together again
have a way of beating to a different tune
It never seems to have the same rhythm it had before
I guess because some of the parts were indeed shattered and scattered about the floor
As i explore, deeper
I realize it is apart of a security system
One put in place to keep the heart resilient
Well in my new found resiliency
I don't allow anyone the opportunity to occupy me or get that close to me again.
You even have to be careful with the ones u call your "friend"
barriers and walls in place
I retraced my tracks and made sure I picked up all slack
I am Stopping any feelings from ever coming back
As i retrace the steps of my  heartbreak
One  fear that I can't seem to face nor erase
is going back to that lonely place
I was just stopping off for a minute
didn't see how i could get so caught up in it
what matters right now is that i am free
I'd be damned if I allow anyone to take my liberty
away from me..
 I'm just gonna wait until all the smoke clears
and see what it is going to be
In the meantime I am just going keep doing me

Suck It Up....

I had to make amends with Confidence yet again
cus I allowed Ego to come in again.
This time Confidence wasn't as resilient as they were
in the past
And decided this was the last straw
No more did he want to be confronted
by Ego again
And decided to end our friendship

Wallowing in self despair
I looked in the mirror and just stared
past all the pain
all the hurt
and realized
He was right

Why should he have to put up a fight
with someone that just didn't seem to get things right

I thought I was worth at least that
Boy was I wrong

Pop in some Ne-Yo songs
I suck it up and get over it...

Incarcerated by love unrequited...

My mind had me imprisoned
I must have lost my vision
b.u.t. somehow remained on track
Looking back
I see the mistakes I made
Realizing I am the one who played
Myself
Why squander so much r inner wealth?
I thought so my heart I sought
I took it back down off the shelf
dusted it off and decided to hold it myself, this time
My heart may be a little battered but it’s intact
All the heartache I was carrying I sent back
From whence it came
My heart is tamed a lil bit maimed
b.u.t. it ticks just the same
As it did when he first said my name
How lame u may think to carry memories of he
But if I didn't how good would I be
To block the memories of someone that made me Happy
This is crappy
I can't forget him
I can't forget his smile
So I will just sit here for awhile
Until he gets out of my system

speeding up the clock

I feel like i'm living on neptune
Maybe the things i said i spoke too soon
Not wanting to leave my room
curled up in a ball on my bed
not feeling alive but knowing i'm not dead
even though my body feels like lead
a hole in my heart healing as we speak
Nursing it back isn't as easy as u think
Pondering on how did i fall this deep
It was as though i was in a comatose sleep
I finally awake
and see all the steps necessary to take
me back to a place of contentment
realizing all the new commitments
needed to be made
cus i decided i can no longer be a slave
to love
and behave this way
wishing i could smile
knowing its going to take awhile
I know that time heals all wounds
just wishing that time will come real soon

uNtitLED

My heart aches knowing u can just erase
me from your life
heart feeling like its been cut up with a knife
but i know i will be all right
How could I have let someone in 
under the guise of being a friend
penetrate the walls of my heart within?
My defenses were apparenly down
every time they so happened to come around
Now I am being clowned
cus i didn't back down
when i was told
To old to be going thru this
wondering how did i miss
all the symbols and signs
walking around blind
didn't see what was coming
how empty of me to be so full of he
a place i vowed i'd never be
and was living there all along

Rose Colored Glasses Please!

Adding further insult to injury
another jab at she
To help her wake up and realize
that there is some more soul searching
she has to do and more to c
You see life has a way of throwing
curve balls your way
So that u may begin to c what
your rose colored glasses didn't reveal.

We all sometimes have a tendency to  c
only what we want to c
Creating a reality shrouded in fantasy
However,  those glasses
tend to fall off
Then u realize in some cases u  were better off
taking another course
of action
Such a deep attraction
Based on what?
Was there real sustenance
Or did your mind create that?
U sit back and ponder on every aspect
of the way u c and saw things
Alarm bell rings
U begin to realize u were living a dream
So far from reality
Only going on images of the way things used to
be
how they used to smile 
He never even knew the real u
nor did u ever really know he
either
I guess he needed a breather

Cus obviously
her glasses couldn't make him c
Just how special he was to she
So she cried
B.u.t. this time it only made her stronger
Cus she knew the pain wouldn't endure
too much longer
It was a pain she had gotten used to
However, this time instead of her heart
turning cold like it used to
It became warmer a feeling she could do
This time she is much wiser now
No longer needing a shoulder to cry on
She just turns on her favorite get over him song
and remembers how good she was feeling all along
She then takes out her favorite rose colored glasses
And begins to remember the happy times
his beautiful smile
and Those are the memories she decided to file
Cus this time around
She has learned that life is what u make it
A person can only shatter your heart
if you allow them to break it
This time she chose to keep it intact
At this stage in her life if her heart breaks again
She's not sure if I can ever put it back
And that is an Actual Fact

Fairy tale friendships don't exist either

This time I'm not going to ask u to take back what u said
Playing your words back in my head
I decided to move on instead
Battling with ego after my heart has been destroyed
is the main reason why I am annoyed
right now
I feel like I made a clown of myself
Like I squandered all my inner wealth
on somebody that didn't even know me
What are hat the higher powers trying to show me
That I can get along with out he?
Well I already knew that.
That's not the message I was looking for
In fact
I thought things were suppose to be better after
all was said and done
Then why am I feeling so glum?
I guess the ending of confusion must of been
pertaining to you
Cus I am the one in the fog
walking around like i have no clue
Trying to figure out what next to do
Vexed cus I was offered
No explanation so I can later ponder and c
what exactly did I do to he
other than express myself on how I would
rather our communing be
If something like that is enough to make u go
then u go do u
I guess I really didn't know u
as your ways and actions did show
Only one choice left  for me
and that is to Grow
from this experience
Once I figure out how this all makes sense


Fairy Tales -Anita Baker

Some things are better left unsaid...

The hardest choice I ever had to make
I made today
Walking away is hard
especially when you are not the originator of
the thought
what this storm in my life has brought and taught
Is a new prespective on life
I learned that its alright to not get things right

It seems no matter who I find they have a hard time
processing thoughts that originate from my mind
I know I am one of a kind
Priceless
is how I would define me
Its so hard for me to let anyone get inside me
Especially that last one that tried to be

I am Equality
I believe in no big I's or little u's
I'm the one that does the choosing not
the one u can can choose
I always win even win I lose
Who are these fools
that think otherwise?
Don't believe the hype its all lies.
I told u that u would be in for a surprise
if u had the ability to hang onto this ride
Many have tried
with wisdom as a guide
Learnt never to confide the contents of my
insides (my innermost thoughts)
Never tell anyone what it is u really want

Misunderstanding's Understanding

To be understood is the greatest feeling to have
I never been fully understood
Maybe I am just like the people that I don't understand
No matter how expressive I think I am people
constantly misinterpet my intent
My energies have been spent
explaining my thoughts and feelings
However, none of these explanations seem to help me
in my dealings
In the least bit
The fact remains that after losing people in your life
there is an ample time and space for self reflection
you begin to ponder every single inflection
to see where u went wrong
Wondering how long
must one endure heartache knowing that
they somehow was the cause of their pain
Name tatted on my heart
Sad u had to part
Here I am back at Start
Tired of  hurting those i truly care about
Pondering an alternate route
to heaven...

A Hard Head Makes a Soft Bottom

Lesson learned
Expressing the contents of your heart
is the quickest route to having it broken
Some things are better left unsaid
why doesn't my heart feel alive
it feels dead
As i replay what was said over and over in my head
I am starting to realize that the heart doesn't
have a mouth for a reason
Its contents should be kept under lock and key
Especially if u don't want to happen to u
what happened to me
u c
This time I vow to never forget what i have learned to c
and what this situation has revealed to me
No matter how many warnings given
i still made that decision
to share what was within 
Only to reap the same results
I forgot about in the beginning
They say a hard head makes a soft bottom
especially when u have all the answers to your problems
and still can't solve 'em



Mary J Blige -Hurt Again

Another Chance

Looking back on life I ponder on
ways that I could of made my life better
and I  decided to implement those things now
At first i was confused about how i was going
to go about this
I realized in life I haven't always gotten what i wanted
because i wasn't always proactive
Fact is
i kinda allowed people in my life to plan my path

Realizing that i should have held the reigns tighter
it was clearly time to implement change
My entire life had been rearranged
New Epiphany: 
You can no longer spend your life doing things in response
to others
If u do people will look at u strange
In fact to be quite successful u have to be the
selector of  the next route on your path

Somewhere along the way
when I stopped to smell the flowers and lay in the grass
I allowed someone to give me wrong directions
and i went down the wrong path
that is how the first ended up last

u c this is when u listen to what the wrong one has to say
Cus the path that they suggested only seemed to work for them
I didn't even see a single friend
I realized then
that i must turn around
I retraced all of my missteps
and realized the best part of life has yet to be had
And boy was I glad
to think that my life would have ended that way
would of been so sad



 

Ode to the Earth

the beauty of earth
provides nourishment protection
and a place
to call your own
Resilient, forgiving
are two words that come to mind.
Along with the sunshine
it becomes the sustainer of life
Its a wonder why Man won't take the time
to do her right. 

Haiku (Children at Play)

Life's greatest pleasure
Listening to children play
It makes my heart sing

Haiku (Setting the Bar High)

I'm not conceited
I rather have the bar high
I am a winner

Haiku (New Threads Needed)

Why do I allow
My heart to be ripped to shreds
Time for some new threads

Lessons of Life and Love

I just want
to be loved
to be understood
to have someone love me
as deep as i showed love for he
to find the one with the key
that can unlock the inner workings of me
He would have the ability to see thru all of
the facades

I've ceased wanting to be at odds
with who I was
and who I have become
I am a work in progress and he will know and undertand
that we all are.
He would have come as far or even further on this journey of love.
And would be willing to weather any storm

However,
The only thing that I seem to have trouble with
is determining
just how far I should go
to wait for this relationship to grow to a point
where there is mutual understanding.
I have walked up so many landings
and realized that Langston
was some sort of prophet
One thing I never found out was how can
We Stop It.
Stop the sharp turns around the corners on the steps of life

It has been a hard knock life, indeed.
However, in love its hard for me to just sit down
So I must take it in good stead 
I cannot sulk about the rough patches.
No complaining about the doors with no handles or latches

Meanwhile, steadily turning down all the good catches.
Yet always wanting to complain
that there aren't any good men left in the world.

They are there!

They were the ones that opened the doors for you
and even pulled out the chairs 
However, you felt they were just too nice
and didn't really care
for them in that way
They were the first ones there willing to give solid advice
But you'd rather chase the unavailable
the unattainable
Wanting the ones that Constantly leave you wondering
 if u mean anything at all to them

New Conclusion
There is no future in the title of  being
"Just A Friend"
Don't let me even begin
and,
These are the "men" you rather have in your life?
Treating you like a tramp and not as a wife?

I tell ya
I am done with all those types
I am only dealing with those that don't have those gripes
I think i have finally gotten it right
It was indeed a fight
to gain that type of insight
that only comes from true self respect
Not chasing after his checks
living by this wisdom shall surely help

B.u.t. Nowadays,
how u treat me is how I will respond in kind.
A high mountain for some to climb
b.u.t. one I'm undoubtedly ready for
I have learned to love
but now
always loving me more
tired of my heart being sore
My happiness is what I am willing and ready to explore
This is one thing I am sure and certain of.
My ode to the life lessons of love

Consistency

Attributed to Love

Love looks like
two people sharing
laughter, passion and life
Love taste like
chocolate syrup and whipped cream
It feels like
lovers intertwined on a sandy
secluded tropical beach
It sounds like
sweet words whispered
at the right time
It smells like
Grandma's sweet potato pie
It's why I live
why I cry
It's the reason I am still alive.

Right Track

Call me emotional
Maybe I am
because I know where I am going
and I know where I've been
Not trying to walk that path of heartbreak again
My heart has been broken by family, lovers and friends
No choice but to begin all over again
Mending all the pieces to my heart
Getting my life back on track
Making sure this time i keep my dignity intact
In fact this time i have decided to no longer share
my heart or the contents within
I know i've said this time and time again
But this time i really mean it
I've seen it shattered many times before
sometimes i wasn't able to pick up all the pieces from
off the floor
some of it got caught in the cracks
Some got swept away out back
Didn't know what was in store for my future
with a half broken heart.
This time not finishing what I did start
I decided not to stick around.
Tired of being clowned
for the poor choices I've made and continue to make
Realizing all that is at stake
every time decisions are made
I feel like a slave
to love
more like a stunt double
as though i must go and endure
all the pain
Meanwhile love gets to bask in all the glory and and fame attributed
to the emotion
whereas I get to walk around with a shattered heart
trying to piece it together like a jigsaw puzzle
This time i'll make sure i use a muzzle
Since my heart gets easily attached to the wrong type of
individuals
My heart suffering the consequences of my choices
not liking the residuals
I finally am in a position where it finally rejoices

So this time I dare not to gamble.
or listen to all the voices
that left my life in shambles
I'm going to just love me
And see where that takes me.

Mending back the pieces

Sitting in the same bed
same position
same thoughts swimming thru my head
They say when u do the same things expect the same
results
To think anything else would transpire is pure insanity
So with that being said
I truly must be insane
I was told that I should just forget u, your name
and go on with my life
I guess it would be the ideal thing to do
Especially when its as though I am in this alone
No longer waiting by the phone or any of the silly rituals
that accompanied that old behavior
realizing that will only bring me more despair
How dare I allow he
to monopolize so much of me and
my mental capacity?
Blocking out all blessings because i rather be with
someone that shows me
they aren't worthy to be with me
or is it that I am not
worthy to be with them?
Needing to wakeup and smell the morning coffee
brewing
realizing the things i've been ensuing
are just me living in a fantasy illusion
Tired of banging my head on the same wall
 I decide that the best
route of all is the one in which i cannot fall
And all though i may have to trod it alone
its all good
Atleast i will be spared the pain
that i feel everytime I have realized that i have lost my way
So this time I have nothing to say...
Too busy patching up the pieces to my heart.

Never happy when things end before they even start.

Organic Apple Picking Season

Finally letting go of all attachments that
have proven to be no more than
Restraints...
Learning to know which battles are actually
worth the fight
Its as if a light has finally come on
and casted a light on all that was hidden in the darkness
as soon as my eyes have adjusted
I  realized that my surroundings were unfamiliar
I felt I didn't belong however that familiar song
kept playing in the background soundtrack of my life
Mariah's Always Be My Baby
on repeat
tears dropped from my eyes
and i cried and cried
like i never cried before
because the theme that played
 was way too familiar
a song that i have gotten tired of living over and over
again
Different times
different friends
but the feeling remained
true
that i will always feel the way
i felt the first time  i expressed myself to u
Once I realized that I can't compete
and also noting that if i could
i still would
opt not to
It's Not that I don't feel for u
I just learned to feel for me more
I learned my ins and outs and finally know what
i can live with
and without
Heart ache is one of the things i realized
I don't need
No explanation needed
i can read
btwn the lines
u are truly one of a kind
I am too
and no matter
how much searching u or i do
u'll neva find anyone as true as i was to u
or u to me
So many fish in the sea
But its apple picking season for me
Rather than grabbing the ones on the ground
i'll pick the highest one up
on the highest branch in the
tree
That is the apple that will bring out the best in me
No holes, no worms just as perfect as can be!
The apple that i choose will be of the highest organic quality...
No pesticides, GMO's  and free to love me  and his actions will  show
just that...
Actual Fact!

Granted Space

Space
Given time to ponder
to gain a clear picture
of where i came from
and where i'm going
Admitting that I'm not the all knowing
Sometimes u have to love from a distance
Quite a resistance I always seem 2 encounter
by my soul not wanting or knowing how to
let go.
however i learned its the way of life.
Khalil Gibran said it best

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

With that I set you free to be who you be 

as i will be who I am.

  Until Our Minds Meet Again...

 

 

`

Can't get away...Not sure if I want to..

New Mind
Rewind to the time before
the changes ensued
I thought i was in charge of my destiny
thought i could get rid of his hold on me
to realize this is bigger than he
its bigger than me
and at the end I had to submit to somebody
 or shall i say something
who would have ever thought
it would be u in the end...
Unhand me I say
release my heart from your
clutches
I yearn to be free
Every time i get my wings and begin to
soar they become clipped
as i become eclipsed
covering my eyes and cowering in the brillance
Light emanating all around I bow down only
to those that show true dominance
I know to u this may not make any sense
In fact i'm still trying to figure it out myself
how did i get here
 i need a way out
i try to run and hide
 but its too late
i have already been found
The truth of who I really am
 I already told you in complete confidence
Even though i told you this
u never tried to
take advantage
nor ever looked at me as being damaged
you just continued to respect me and
continued to explore all there is that makes up
Equality
I must say you almost know every square inch of me
So, whenever you decide to stop riding the bench
let me know
Starting lineup is certainly where someone of your
caliber must go
I at least know that much for sure...lol

                                                     

Promises Promises

Pricked by love's thorns
I decided not to love again
or at least I will not be loving
the way I have been
u know Blindly loving and only feeling what
my heart emanates
ignoring all of its guilty pleasures.
it always resonates
My mind almost tricked me into believing
it's constantly deceiving, me
Always falling for the lamest tricks
How sick
one must be to think that people
mustn't live up to one's expectations
As high as they may seem to be
 it is required to be apart of my team.
Things aren't always what they seem, so it seems
u c my heart constantly makes the same mistakes
only loving  
those that are emotionally unavailable
and for some strange
reason i choose to love them with no eyes
all cus that feelin on the inside
keepin me content
well it used to
Relationships should be fruitful
Until time reveals the truthful and I begin
to despise the real deal about
who they were didn't reflect on the outside
finally realizing their intent
I sit and realize all the wasted time spent


And Vow not to do it again...

I know nothing

I have learned in life
 that i truly know nothing...
At one point that nothing what i thought
was something (it really wasn't )
was my everything!
Only to be startled by the harsh reality of life
showing me the consequences of  the choices
I chose
you chose
we all chose
different choices
which directly impacted on each and everyone's life.
Sometimes i think how selfish of me not to take consideration on the impact
of my actions on he and the world.
I at least owe the world that respect
Then I reflected on me being that person that was more concerned about saving the world
rather than saving me.
A martyr I'm not
I opted to take another path
I was out
of that game.
I still remember their names.
How the aged ones laughed with great vigor
u know that I toldja so look on their face
But being so curious
You had to find the better path
u know the one that I finally took
I guess that's why in all of the wrong paths in my travels
I needed to learn which i did
survival to the fittest.
At an early age we learn how to defend self but do we learn at what cost
is that self defended?
That is the question that should of been asked and wasn't
Everybody wants to be a boss even me of course
I even lost my sense of self in the process
I almost became heartless in life but anytime I was that close to losing me
Someone
was there putting up that fight in the name of Love
Everything changes in life
Life of a Venusian somehow something or someone seems to always takes my heart back
from the point of no return
And I am continuing to learn that
One thing I did learn is
when I think I know something I always find out that... I knew not.

love don't live here anymore... =(

Heart be still
what time reveals
often to our dismay
everything you pray or prey on
is not what is seems
What the dreams didn't reveal
real life has a way of doing so
u see the halo
turns to horns
realizing i was forlorn
i begin to pick up the pieces to
the puzzle that was torn apart in my mind
thought u were one of a kind
realized u are just like all the rest
my heart protests what your very
mouth confessed
surely u jest
however i know the truth is in the joke
my heart has become the laughing stock of my mind
once again
because it knew how this story was going to end
but my heart blinded by love thought what was
wasn't really what it seemed
it seems like my life has been themed
no longer excited due to love sometimes being unrequited
I have decided to stand alone.
even though my heart aches and is in need of repair
i will not despair
Moving on is all I can do
biggest mistake is loving you so hard
had i not i wouldn't feel so scarred
right now
As i bow out gracefully
no longer wondering aimlessly
as my heart painfully
puts up a sign of no vacancy
cus love don't live here anymore and I'm
not sure if it will ever be welcome again.
Hearts can even be broken by "friends".

Broken Again - Hil St. Soul

the way u make me feel....

Feeling blessed 
reawakened and alive
no long feeling dead on the inside
he kissed me with the  kiss of life
and now i am feeling everything will be all right
i feel so free from all of those things
that were holding me back
realizing that their was nothing i ever lacked
ignited the flame within
 inspired me to be the best i could be
although i was already flying high 
made me realize that this was only the beginning of the ride
life isn't over it only just begun
so i stopped crying like all has been said and done
no reason to despair, i will always be there 
as you can see is what he said to me
And i just smiled and realized that what
was said is true.
 That's why I will always care for you.
Time distance and space can't keep us apart
i guess that's why your name is tatted on my heart
Even if we ever have to part ways
i will love u always
 Always -Pebbles

Broken Again

Broken Again..
I put my favorite music playlist on shuffle
And as always the songs that play
express my deepest emotions...
Knowing if I do the same things
the same results will be displayed
i still repeatedly do those same things hoping
but knowing change won't come
Tired of people playing with the strings of my heart i decided to
finally let go
Who am I kidding?
I ask myself as
Coltrane's Naima begins to play
it's my favorite melancholic mood muzik and
I must admit the sound that i hear is the same song that always seems to play
over and over again as though i have my life on repeat.
So i have decided to change the song
and when i do
i hear Mary J's Be Happy
realizing the only time I am truly happy is when I have decided to
embrace and love just  me.
Adding others to that mix often makes my life more complicated than it needs to be
Anita and The Winan's gave me hope to know
tomorrow is another day....
And that's something to be thankful for.
And I am.

Brokenhearted...

Holding my heart's pieces again
Tears streaming down my face
I realized yet again I made another mistake
I was seeing only what I wanted to c
I guess that is the reason that this has happened to me
Something my third eye did c
But i chose to ignore
I knew once I opened that door
that heartbreak was a possibility
However, i chose to walk thru anyway
I didn't care what anyone had to say
even though i should have listened
They say time heals all wounds but does it really?
Waiting for the day when it will finally heal me
What is wrong I often ask myself
Why do i let these things affect my health
I know my inner wealth
And i guess that's why I am brokenhearted
However, i knew when i first started
that it could go down this way
I ignored all of  the things my friends had to say
Cus i just knew I had all the answers
Now i realize after all is said and done that i really didn't
and must feel the consequence of not knowing
I guess that's the expression my face is now showing
The emptiness inside no longer feeling alive
I tried
and failed
i guess that's why my life derailed
however my growth wasn't curtailed
Cus i know better and will do better...
Next time.

Loving the view from here...

I finally know what i want in life
I know the type of support i expect
and won't accept anything less than that
why should i
for many years i've been with people that attracted
what they wanted in life
they got a great catch which was me
but can i say the same about them
hmm let me see..
i've dated the good guy and the bad  guy and have
gotten my heart broken my both
Only to realize that i accepted less than i should have
received
So now i am only pursuing those things and people
that please me
Looking at all my future prospects
 i am pleased
A win win choice finally
So no matter what choice I choose to make
I will be happy with my decision
Thats what happens when u clearly define what
u want to yourself
And pick only the options that best reflect
your inner wealth
So instead of loving those that love me
I also have to make sure they are the best
compliment
For surely even the stars cosign what will be
So i am going to sit back and see
just who is the best  compliment for me...
Then i will finally make my choice
In the meantime i am just enjoying the ride
Looking at all my prospects that reflect different
aspects of me inside
This time I am not going to run and hide...
Cus i am no longer afraid of success
Tired of all the mess i have come across
in order to figure it out...
I decided to take another route
Happiness is the key
And that's the path i decided will be
the one for me... 

Blessed

Since I decided not to settle
Oh how my life has changed
Everything in my life i had to rearrange and i must
say I love the new look
I had to turn a new page in my book of life
And I must say I am admiring the view
I began to c so many new people and ideas
I don't know what to do
So many choices and decisions
What is a girl to do...

Well I will start by taking my time and making
sure this time the choice that i make
Reflects my inner desires and wants
Finally aligned with my own lind
As i listen to the taunts of the past
paying attention making sure I don't make the same choices
that i made last
I guess that will be awfully hard since the prospects
have improved my lot has been enlarged
and the spoils of victory are great
I am free from pain and harm
No longer an arm charm
Respected and loved by many
I am blessed and thankful

Choose Life & True Love as a Companion

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy
Or am I just being lazy
No longer up for a chase
Wondering if i got a taste of my own medicine
A hard pill to swallow
As i sit her and wallow in self pity

My heart seems to have a mind of its own
The more I tell her to leave u alone
She won't stop
Seems as though heart break is her lot in this life
I refuse to accept that
I thought maybe if i limited our chats
it would get the message

I was so wrong
No matter how long the distance, time, & space may be
She still doesn't want to listen to me
She has her own attachments that never make sense
Soon as i close the door guess who goes hopping over the back fence?
So i just let her go
Maybe after a few more heartbreaks she will know
that when i said No I meant No

A natural explorer she keeps wanting to go
So I let her do her
while I chase this cheddar to make our
life better.
She keeps running back in tears
Self fulfillment of past fears
However, she still won't  switch gears

What is wrong with her?
 I often ask myself
Can't she just see her inner wealth
And stop chasing those impossible dreams?
That all though how nice they may seem
its like building a building with no beams

No support
No real communication
A cessation of living the life she has imagined
because she is choosing to settle
Knowing this is not fully what she wants
You can hear her friends taunt her but
rather than extricate herself  she decided to fall deeper
Turned back into a weeper

Picking up ego's  pieces as she continues
handing out leases
to my heart
When is this madness going to stop
I guess there is nothing i can do cause its
even prevalent in my chart
I guess this lifetime is not about finding and maintaining
that perfect match for my  heart
Cus if it was i would have finally gotten it right
Love is nothing you should have to fight, for really
It should be given freely by the possessor of the heart
That's always how it starts out
Then after a couple of bouts
You reevaluate your decisions
and try to see the reason in your choices
Then  begin to realize that you are suffering cus u
listened to too many voices
You allowed the indecision to create incisions in your heart
thinking u are saving face u ignored the best part
Only to find that it wasn't a cure only a mask of the symptoms
to deep rooted issues
Trying to secure things that are out of reach
Not heeding the lesson life was trying to teach
Therefore i will now beseech you to open your eyes
And take notice of the great person that lies inside
Value u and who u are
u have come so far
 so don't give up now
Keep on going and if u get stuck I will show u how

Growing Pains

Growing up is never easy
Fantastic thoughts tease me
While i imagine how u can please me

Can u please me the way that i
please myself?

or maybe even better?

I am prepared to weather any storm
or at least i thought so
There were a few things that i needed to know in order
to make such a declaration

Hesitation
only doing whats best
im beyond the point of giving possible suitors test
Put all my games to rest

Decided to live the best life for me
It may include u
It may not
But rotating is one thing i wont stop doing

Its just that now I'm pursuing
things that are going to totally complete me
Things that make me truly Happy!

Life's Journey

Reshaping my future
Reshaping my mind
Making sure my mind as
well as my body is totally refined
Let's rewind to a time
where I was in synch
what people  post sometimes makes u ponder and think
Are you living out your fullest potential or
are you just along for the ride?
In order to answer that I had to take a step on the
other side
Searching for the reasons why
i felt the need to hide
Somewhere between the lies that were told
Today outdated and old
So no longer can they take hold of me
I have grown thru deciding not to change who i be
because of what he did with she
that doesn't even concern me
why you ask
I decided not to take up the task
of carrying a burden to heavy to bear
Why would I dare?
Better yet why would i even care?
I would be too busy doing what pleases me in my life
Yes Iyanla was right!
In all of her books I read
my life has cosigned what she said
As I grow from every experience
I hope those listening are really
hearing this
'Cus I am proud of my life's achievements
I've seen it all from ladies and gents
to hustlers and pimps
However, I still remain who i was, am and always will be
And that's the best knower of me
One who strives for righteousness and Equality
Picture that after all that I still have the sight to see
the right path for me in my life
And I am prepared for the rest of this journey
so ready to take flight.
 
 

Life Giving Water

I know it appears that I am having a hard time
making up my mind
However that isn't the case this time
I have made up my mind and my heart
But this is when the hard part comes in
Cus that borders on the line of being friends
and lovers
U know frolics under the cover
I had a talk with my mother
She was encouraging of me pursuing my dreams
Sometimes the end result is not what it seems she warned
when i imagined it
It was like a fire was lit
a flame within my soul
the eternal ember of light
Began shining real bright
to the point where it blinded me
where i couldn't c
the blessings that stood there it just
couldn't be
Really like a magnet we attract?
So why couldn't u tell me that awhile back?
Why did u let it come to this?
A time where i just want to ball up my fist
and punch a wall sometimes
Cus I have some how resolved in my mind
u will never be mine
Seems like time
has repeated itself
Spoiled again cus i didn't realize the value of
my inner wealth
I retreat to my haven of solitude
I don't mean to be rude at all
Sometimes when i take a fall
i need time to heal again and correct my steps
Conjure up the strength of Hatshepsut
A new breath of Air
I take my chair and imagine it's a throne
I decide what tone I want my life to take
and play the songs of my life like they have
never been played before
Once i finally reach the door that leads
to my happiness
After taking all the test
that were given to me
I fall to my knees humbly 
admitting when i fall short of the Glory of God
every single time I feel the Rod of the error of my ways
My wisdom and retreat displays
That even I admit to at times being dismayed
i am not perfect I make mistakes
However, I am still here willing to do whatever it takes
to ensure that my heart doesn't break like it has in the past
Crying like Job screaming about the first being last
Alas! the realization the last will only be first when 
they put in the work
Its not about hocus pocus 
or being a jerk
Its about gaining understanding 
and using discernment 
and most importantly not allowing 
things to ferment 
The lessons learned is to
be proactive in all areas of life
Then only then u will know for sure 
that u will be all right
U won't have anymore of those sleepless
nights
Insomnia a thing of the past cus at this point
first will be the last and the last will be first
Just look at all those mishaps as a time to 
rehearse
Remember Always Put U First
Once u are full u can help others quench their thirst



 

6

I've entered a newer phase in my life
I have a new endeavor
As Thoreau spoke
I am embarking on living the life I
have imagined
This time I am doing it my way
Not letting any distractions come
I know the mistakes of yesterday
So Everyday when I arise I am given an opportunity
to recreate myself anew
Not really brand new
B.u.t. finally expressing my power to choose
the hells that I have created
By loving those that didn't want to be loved
so hard
That at times I became starved

So I put myself on timeout
No I'm not angry just needed time to figure
it all out
I am the one that has to live with myself
at the end of the day
I'll come around someday...
I always do
One thing that's true whatever
Good things I said I meant them and they were all true
And maybe even some of the bad ones
When I balance it all out
I still have no doubts
I am glad that I had a chance
to spend a moment in time with you
Must admit part of my dream came true
That was the part when I actually connected with you
Not even trippin when u do u
Even down to the joking we do
Is the reason why I feel this is unsavory
for me to do
So all those things you're thinking may be totally
untrue
Especially if u think what i feel for u
has changed
Maybe it has
and i just don't know
So until the unknown is known
I will end this poem
and get on with my life
But this time  in doing so i will ensure I'm doing it right
I promised myself this tonight
I will focus on me
The way it should have been and always
should be
I have to live out the highest level of Equality
cus that is no other than me
the only person I can be
 

Can I talk to you for a minute...?

I have come to a realization that
I hate when I am wrong
when it comes to matters of the heart
Cus always from the start I can feel the outcome
but never know how to depart
until its too late
at that time we are calling one another ingrates
because being hurt the only thing one knows
how to do is hurt
harboring anger and resentment
to another indvidual
because u allowed urself to be deceived?
However, if u looked closely under their sleeve
u would of saw the web they weaved.
a trap for u
only triggered by when u don't know
exactly what u want to do or want in life
I am glad I was spared the agony of my choice
Glad I raised my voice at the precise
time
Right before i lost my mind over them
Realizing some people are better off as friends
Especially when u can't define who they are in
the beginning
save u from sinning
U know wasting ur time of mindless
pursuits.
Us getting together at this rate who will it really suit?
Only u in the end?
I gave away all my power
i didn't know how to act
was giving away so much always wondered what
 were u giving back?
Communication we certainly lacked
Am i reading into things more than i should
Didnt want to live a life of coulda  woulda shoulds
so i decided to be good
was on my p's and q's
nothing but silence didn't know what to do
Was it that u preferred ur life without me in it.
I know u'll get back in a minute
Just know whichever way it was
or will be is is cool with me
Cus no mater what ur decision
 i will be who i be
and that's Equality
one of  the many attributes of me
u c they all make up the in and outs
Without them i doubt
u will be able to talk about me.
Cus I am all that u c
as well as somethings that you don't
One thing I won't
do is say
I can when I won't

I am sometimes too raw and unadulterated
to some thats why I am sometimes hated
However, I'm not mad
I really am glad
cus I know anything that I was engaged in
i gave everything I had.
So I am never sad.
Sometimes I may get mad
B.u.t. everyone has their bad days
don't act amazed
Like my days are different than your's
We all follow the same laws.
What goes up must come down
However, that is how the lost became found
And I was awaken to myself
It started with this natural thirst
I resisted
I almost missed it with my stubborness
I must confess
This life giving water is the best
i've ever tasted
thats why i am so careful
cus i don't want to waste it
by casting my pearls before swine.
So i will sit back until that time and unwind
 to a place where my audience is conducive to receiving
 the blessings that I have received
Where people aren't afraid to sometimes follow my lead
that's the way i wish to proceed
Don't boss me around like I am ur seed.
This is a warning please take heed...

Answer me this...

If I told you directly how i feel
why are u still in so much doubt
i'm ready to go another route
because i don't know how much i can take
i didn't anticipate any of this at all
i knew since last fall that this would be full of
problems
however i was willing to solve em
cus i wanted to be with u
b.u.t. at what cost?
My self respect remains intact
despite the fact
that i almost fell into that age ole trap
that i thought i mastered
sometime awhile back
This time i promised myself that i would go slow
And thru that process i got to grow
and c what works and what doesn't work for me
I needed someone to fully acknowledge who i be
and respect it
Instead of just giving me light and expecting me to reflect it
I have my own light too I already checked it
Sometimes it shines as bright as ur light in the day or as
bright as the moon at night  as it it reflects
So  i correct my ways and actions
basic addition and subtraction
Now I feel complete 
I am now able to compete
On a level playing field
Question is are you?

My Poetry Story

I used to look to outside influences
for inspirations to write
That was before last night
I decided that I have enough self love
(the main ingredient for being able to write what i write)
to carry my thru
while i do what i do best
to my life breath 
My poems will manifest me
I forgot how my old poems used to talk about the lil things sometimes as small as 
the way i breathe
Pages filled with how i love life
 and how things i sometimes cleave to
no longer holds the meaning it once had
However, I am still Glad
Elevate Elevating Elevation
Words that keep that resonating making me want to ascend
Realizing all life's blessings
I have received
And I am truly thankful
Thankful for my family and friends
Even for being someone's wife
it may have brought me much strife
B.u.t. it gave me another  reason to share my life
its also the reason I decided to chronicle my rise
So glad u are still along for the ride...
Watching as I tackle my life from every angle all sides
my pride, tears, pain, & story reflected in my work
full of glory
I continue to heal and rebuild me inside
Telling my story

Another Untitled Piece

Life has so many twist and turns
The moment u think u have it all figured out
Everything changes at a drop of the dime
Every single time I tell ya

So today I decided to watch the world
as the world watched me
If u listen closely i will tell u what i c
and what I saw

Next door from me I saw things that made
me question life
Downstairs I wondered what I would
do if I didn't have God in my life

No sense pondering on that
I thought as I sat
Cus I do
Its not the same one that u have
Cus mine keeps me from doing what's
bad

Whether he is mad or glad
He makes me feel like I'm the best
he has ever had
I never had him nor could I
He can't be contained
Even though people constantly
try to rename him
I know who he is,
was and I am awaiting to see who
he will be
My Equality

So I think
therefore I am and so is he
Forever loving me
In his special way
assuring me even if am ever far away
He will be just a phone call away
to say
Hey!
How are you doing today?
As though we just talked the other day

Remember April and May
Me and You got carried away
The way we relate sometimes
we don't have to say
A word...
B.u.t. know every word unspoken was somehow heard
Say Word?!

Word is Life
Word is Bond
I certainly c this today
Loving and appreciating life every day
I love waking up being able to say 
I feel good
Cus I do

Another Great Lesson Learned

You think you have me all figured out
I laugh at the thought because we never
had the conversation
So how are you so sure about my relations
So many hesitations is just an excuse to me
I have no time for that so i decided to do me
Always asking everyone else never asking me
and you wonder why you still don't know Equality
I'm standing right in front of you
but you still can't seem to c
What I represent is sometimes a complexity
i understand that
If you feel there is something I'm keeping from you why
don't u just come out and ask that?
Unless you think the answer is something u don't
want to know
Well you'll always have regrets cus u never even asked me so
There you go t
And the answer is what u think
even though it's not...
U never even bothered to stop
and ask about it
You chose to scape route it
with another excuse
So i'm at the point of asking what's the use
of exploring at this point
I'm about to escape this joint
tired of being
the only one making the point
of how i feel
seems like the same ole spiel
day in day out
Arrrgh sometimes i just want to scream, shout
and yell out
it's not fair
cus it really isn't
Imprisoned
by hearts desires
Called a liar
Really?
No judge No jury just sentenced to life
In the end it was your call.
My fall...
a blunder it was
Down side of messing with good ole love.
Always a gamble
Heart sometimes left in shambles
However, when you find the right one they will
make everything all right
So instead of crying I am smiling tonight
Cus I know all though it may seem so far I'm closer
my goals are in sight.
I will put up a great fight
I choose not to settle for anything less than what i have envisioned
That's what created the incision
between my mind and heart
Finishing what i start
Mending my heart
I set the parameters of how much i will take
Knowing my heart i mustn't forsake 
I do whatever it takes
to preserve who i am
Moving right along again
i had to cut away all the phoney "friends"
Those relationships surely had to end
they only bringing mayhem to my life
I guess I was kinda living a lie
Loving someone who never truly was mine
The only one I have is me at the end of the day
So just as sure as I was born in May
I can proudly say
I learned a big lesson in life today!

Rebirthed...Happiness is what you make it!

So since a greater me has been unearthed
I feel a rebirth of my love
Now its more genuine because I now know
how it feels to be loved totally
once i started fully loving me
I love so I know love
I live love and embrace it
Still not understanding why I was afraid to face it
It really doesn't matter because my heart never gives me a choice
Only truly loving the one that makes her rejoice
the one who picks her up when she is down
Changing all frowns to smiles
Even over many miles
My mind has traveled with my heart
it needed a jump start from time to time
I have learned how to explore my inner mind
and rewind to the happier times
This is what helps me thru the rough patches
After wrong matches
Wondering when will it be just right,
if ever
I tuck my sweater in closer to my neck
I think to myself what the heck
have i gotten myself into
realizing there is nothing i can do but take the ride
stop hiding what's buried inside
And finally live the life that i have imagined
who would of fathomed that it would all
lead to this
Me taking a plunge into the abyss?
Sealed with a kiss my fate
Using my heart as bait
 isn't my idea of a good time
Next time let's use yours not mine
Or get me the unbreakable kind
Cus i don't know how much more I can take
But this feeling is one I can't seem to shake
And I don't know why and I really don't care anymore
Because what does it matter
My heart has a mind of its own
That's all my life has shown
So I decided to submit yet again
Just hope this time it doesn't end the way it has been
How could it be when this time we really are friends?
Guess we'll c in the end.
Till then...
I'll keep you posted
This revolution will be televised
Because when i am in love that's something I can't seem to hide
I may hide the players involved
But you can tell I'm in love because i will be heavily charged
with life and love
Expression written all over my face a glow
that can't be replaced
Once I get a taste of Love's essence
a pleasant experience
Deliriously trapped in its clutch
Longing for Love's touch
as it soothes my mental
With it's gentle touch
never too much
always just right
So why fight
it's your fantasy right?
Remember you were always tight
whats different about this night?
Nothing so there is no reason to fear a thing
guess the difference is in being with a man
and being with a king
Enjoy the ride and see what it may bring
is what the me in me told Me.
I agreed and am ready to c just what that
means in reality...
 I finally opened my eyes and finally c
just what happiness can mean for me
It what I make it.

Birth of SoLiloQueen

I found me today
I was so excited
The introduction was...
well it was like I've known me for years
But I hid her due to reoccurring fears
She talked so much
we had a lot of catching up to do
Taking it all in
It was a hard pill to swallow so I decided to chew
it up slowly
I allowed myself to console me
Telling me about how I loved him more
more than I loved her
My life became a blur
because I didn't remember any of that
I guess because I didn't want to
I buried it so deep cus deep inside i knew
what she was saying was really true
At one point I loved him so much that I totally
stop loving who I be
How empty of me
Could I really have deceived myself into
that frame of thinking?
My heart began sinking
After a lot of rethinking I decided
I no longer wanted to live that life
This was what i decided when i grabbed a knife and
began cutting away all the layers that were making my life
harder
Myself gave me a nod no longer a martyr
It let me know that it was in agreement with the new path
I decided to take
I had to make changes because this Earth began to quake
All bad habits began to shake away
Nothing was no longer the same
I even decided to change my name again
Its not a sin
I've just discovered another attribute of me
I guess that was the birth of the SoLiloQueen

Loves Compliment

Sun Kissed Skin

Strong Embrace

Warm Smile

I am honored to bask in his presence

Both of us made from life's essence

I acknowledge my compliment

I will document every moment

from walking with me in my darkest hour

Guiding me thru to the light

Listening to my hopes and dreams

Purging me of my fears

Burning off his ears with tales of my day

Wiping all my tears away with sincere words

spoken at the right time every time

Always kind

even when angered

I'm handled with kid gloves

How can I not be in love?

Its Easy when he is nothing but me

When his perceived love is lacking

That's when I start stacking up on

Self Love reserves

Because all the things he does

is no more than what I can and do for myself

Inner Wealth

is what will always carry u thru

Especially on those times u don't know who loves you

Know that you do.

You will always be true to you.

Don't You Know -- Luther Vandross

A Loveless Affair with Love

I've been having a loveless affair with Love
for some years now
It's been showing up teasing me enticing me to love
But I can't love Love cus Love loves no one
It always shows up at the most inopportune times
You know the times where I have made up my mind
that I wasn't gonna love Love anymore
I promised myself
I thought my word was bond when I said I wasn't going to
love Love
I was so sure this time.
I said I was not going to understand cus that is all Love is
its the highest level of understanding
All the other times I loved Love I didn't have the maturity
to truly understand me
My maturity was certainly lacking because I in the past
confused love for infatuation
So many hesitations
Temptation, I had no problem ignoring
But the love aspect i kept exploring
Delving into the depths of my soul
No longing running, hiding or fearing what has unfold
I became bold
daring on my quest
Loving the loveless became my goal in life
A lot of times bringing me strife
However in the process i learned the difference
between the two
One had nothing to do with the soul at all
Its fleeting and you will certainly take a beating
the other is unconditional
Not fictional
It transcends time and space
It will have you on a chase
however it will never hurt you
That's only something you can do.
Its all in your perception and reception of that divine
force
No matter what course, you decide to take it will show its face
to you
Showing you exactly where you need to be
If only you would just open your eyes and c
what life has in store
Yeah it may seem a chore but it will cause you to grow
and really know, who you are
A Venusian I may be
 I will explore each chamber of me
Step by step learning who is she
This is life's knowledge of self quest
so shall it be
I stopped digging in my heels
Decided to go with the flow of life
Enjoying the beauty of the flowers I c
I feel love, life, freedom as it envelopes me
From stepping inside I finally find out just who really is
she
All I can say there is much more to Equality
than meets the eye
you just gotta wait and c  so sit back and enjoy the ride..

Untitled

My Muse wasn't Amused
So they left
Along with my inspiration
A limitation for me because
It created a block in my creativity
It took away my liberty to write
and explore the inner depths of me
lost expression
A concession made
White flag of surrender
No longer dancing in the splendor of joy's past
Wondering when the first will be last and the last
will be first
Am I cursed?
Sometimes I wonder
Did I blunder in siding with my heart?
Should of known from the start the risk involved
I thought this time Problem Solved
I'll just be truthful
Solid proof  not everyone can handle the truth
Realizing that somethings are better left unsaid
I lie in my bed mentally recanting all things said
I c how i was led by heart not my mind
I guess I know better for the next time
if there is another one

I will come correct
Knowing when to shine and reflect
Learning not to expect
People to understand me or know what i am really feeling
Especially when I am too busy peeling back so many layers
I do feel better despite all the naysayers
I elude a new confidence that I refuse to let anyone shake
It wasn't a piece of cake at all
It took many falls from grace
saving face
being angry and hurt
B.u.t. I hit a growth spurt in my hearts maturity
Invested in more security
Heart free from impurities
It still loves but its under lock and key
To make sure no one hurts me again
Keep it strictly as friends no emotion
means no commotion right?
Well that's what I convinced myself
so nothing matters anymore
No more chambers to explore
I am done with all that
I take back all the layers
Turn back into the Dragon Slayer
No prayers needed
I succeeded in the journey I set out on
Forlorn and worn my heart is resilient
However remains brilliant
A beacon of hope in the sea of despair
My heart repaired.
All Brand New
Now what's left to do?
 set the order
Learn all borders and Proceed with Life...



  

Children At Play

children at play
smiles about
finger painting, jumping rope, dancing
fights about
you took my toy "its not fair" "you drank the whole thing". "you didn't share"
arguments about
"what movie can we watch" "where and what are we going to play today "
but when all is said and done they remain friends to the end
If only Adults knew how to behave the same way

Self Exploration...

I am at a different place in my life.
Funny how life can change you at the most unexpected times.
I still am me but the way I view me has changed
It took for my life to become deranged turned upside down
For me to realize the me-ness of me.
Many times I was displaying the me ness of he or the meanness of she
When life brought me to my knees
I realized who i had to be
I had to be there for me more than I am there for anyone else
It was always hard for me to do for self
I always felt as though I had to aid those in need
Always picking up an extra mouth to feed
Now I have learned to feed myself first
Lo and behold how my wealth has increased
To say the least
I was tired of falling into situations because I stuck my neck out too far to assist
Somehow I just couldn't resist
Ole Mother Theresa is what i was labeled because i was always trying lift up
the disabled
But sometimes that just enabled them to depend on only me
Secondary wife to everybody
A real busy body I became
Attending to others affairs sometimes neglecting mine
Until one day I had to find
a greater sense of self

Now many may not like the new me because I have learned to say no
But if only they knew how far i came and how far i have to go
But one thing I now know is
I love me more than I ever have before
I implore you to explore
your inner depths
Every single chamber
Until there is no remainder
left to love
And I am so proud 
That I finally found and truly love the real me....
Inner exploration is key...

Heart's Betrayal

My heart always seems to betray me when it comes to love
i say this because
 Every time i followed its lead
I always seem to be deceived by myself
Haven't I already learned ?
The last time my heart was burned
i couldn't take it
if  only my heart aint make such a big deal out of nuthin
My chest cavity wouldn't be empty  there would be  something
Pumpin inside
This last incident caused me to run and hide
Maybe i should of just lied
or said nothing at all
Maybe I never should of told him to call
Because that is what started my fall
Listening to his voice
Wishing I made a different choice
when i decided
I thought that he would make a better friend
i tried to hide it
My feelings
cus of what I am feeling today
Maybe something I already knew that day
when i made my decision
 that choice became my vision
Mental distorted as i analyzed
 all the other chics he aborted
Even though those choices i supported
knew they didn't make the batch
Never truly finding  his match
Life of a bachelor s
o many he attracts
But chooses none
out only for fun
And that's the one, i pick?
how sick my mind must be
always attracting those that can't be totally be available for me
Is it cus I haven't been totally there for myself?
I'm there for everyone but me
Now I'm finally beginning to c
How damaging that lifestyle can be
So i promise to take time out for me
It don't even matter if he picked she
I'll be  too busy working on the new me 
To attract the better he for me
And that's the way it suppose to be...
And I feel Good!