Suck It Up....

I had to make amends with Confidence yet again
cus I allowed Ego to come in again.
This time Confidence wasn't as resilient as they were
in the past
And decided this was the last straw
No more did he want to be confronted
by Ego again
And decided to end our friendship

Wallowing in self despair
I looked in the mirror and just stared
past all the pain
all the hurt
and realized
He was right

Why should he have to put up a fight
with someone that just didn't seem to get things right

I thought I was worth at least that
Boy was I wrong

Pop in some Ne-Yo songs
I suck it up and get over it...

Incarcerated by love unrequited...

My mind had me imprisoned
I must have lost my vision
b.u.t. somehow remained on track
Looking back
I see the mistakes I made
Realizing I am the one who played
Myself
Why squander so much r inner wealth?
I thought so my heart I sought
I took it back down off the shelf
dusted it off and decided to hold it myself, this time
My heart may be a little battered but it’s intact
All the heartache I was carrying I sent back
From whence it came
My heart is tamed a lil bit maimed
b.u.t. it ticks just the same
As it did when he first said my name
How lame u may think to carry memories of he
But if I didn't how good would I be
To block the memories of someone that made me Happy
This is crappy
I can't forget him
I can't forget his smile
So I will just sit here for awhile
Until he gets out of my system

speeding up the clock

I feel like i'm living on neptune
Maybe the things i said i spoke too soon
Not wanting to leave my room
curled up in a ball on my bed
not feeling alive but knowing i'm not dead
even though my body feels like lead
a hole in my heart healing as we speak
Nursing it back isn't as easy as u think
Pondering on how did i fall this deep
It was as though i was in a comatose sleep
I finally awake
and see all the steps necessary to take
me back to a place of contentment
realizing all the new commitments
needed to be made
cus i decided i can no longer be a slave
to love
and behave this way
wishing i could smile
knowing its going to take awhile
I know that time heals all wounds
just wishing that time will come real soon

uNtitLED

My heart aches knowing u can just erase
me from your life
heart feeling like its been cut up with a knife
but i know i will be all right
How could I have let someone in 
under the guise of being a friend
penetrate the walls of my heart within?
My defenses were apparenly down
every time they so happened to come around
Now I am being clowned
cus i didn't back down
when i was told
To old to be going thru this
wondering how did i miss
all the symbols and signs
walking around blind
didn't see what was coming
how empty of me to be so full of he
a place i vowed i'd never be
and was living there all along

Rose Colored Glasses Please!

Adding further insult to injury
another jab at she
To help her wake up and realize
that there is some more soul searching
she has to do and more to c
You see life has a way of throwing
curve balls your way
So that u may begin to c what
your rose colored glasses didn't reveal.

We all sometimes have a tendency to  c
only what we want to c
Creating a reality shrouded in fantasy
However,  those glasses
tend to fall off
Then u realize in some cases u  were better off
taking another course
of action
Such a deep attraction
Based on what?
Was there real sustenance
Or did your mind create that?
U sit back and ponder on every aspect
of the way u c and saw things
Alarm bell rings
U begin to realize u were living a dream
So far from reality
Only going on images of the way things used to
be
how they used to smile 
He never even knew the real u
nor did u ever really know he
either
I guess he needed a breather

Cus obviously
her glasses couldn't make him c
Just how special he was to she
So she cried
B.u.t. this time it only made her stronger
Cus she knew the pain wouldn't endure
too much longer
It was a pain she had gotten used to
However, this time instead of her heart
turning cold like it used to
It became warmer a feeling she could do
This time she is much wiser now
No longer needing a shoulder to cry on
She just turns on her favorite get over him song
and remembers how good she was feeling all along
She then takes out her favorite rose colored glasses
And begins to remember the happy times
his beautiful smile
and Those are the memories she decided to file
Cus this time around
She has learned that life is what u make it
A person can only shatter your heart
if you allow them to break it
This time she chose to keep it intact
At this stage in her life if her heart breaks again
She's not sure if I can ever put it back
And that is an Actual Fact

Fairy tale friendships don't exist either

This time I'm not going to ask u to take back what u said
Playing your words back in my head
I decided to move on instead
Battling with ego after my heart has been destroyed
is the main reason why I am annoyed
right now
I feel like I made a clown of myself
Like I squandered all my inner wealth
on somebody that didn't even know me
What are hat the higher powers trying to show me
That I can get along with out he?
Well I already knew that.
That's not the message I was looking for
In fact
I thought things were suppose to be better after
all was said and done
Then why am I feeling so glum?
I guess the ending of confusion must of been
pertaining to you
Cus I am the one in the fog
walking around like i have no clue
Trying to figure out what next to do
Vexed cus I was offered
No explanation so I can later ponder and c
what exactly did I do to he
other than express myself on how I would
rather our communing be
If something like that is enough to make u go
then u go do u
I guess I really didn't know u
as your ways and actions did show
Only one choice left  for me
and that is to Grow
from this experience
Once I figure out how this all makes sense


Fairy Tales -Anita Baker

Some things are better left unsaid...

The hardest choice I ever had to make
I made today
Walking away is hard
especially when you are not the originator of
the thought
what this storm in my life has brought and taught
Is a new prespective on life
I learned that its alright to not get things right

It seems no matter who I find they have a hard time
processing thoughts that originate from my mind
I know I am one of a kind
Priceless
is how I would define me
Its so hard for me to let anyone get inside me
Especially that last one that tried to be

I am Equality
I believe in no big I's or little u's
I'm the one that does the choosing not
the one u can can choose
I always win even win I lose
Who are these fools
that think otherwise?
Don't believe the hype its all lies.
I told u that u would be in for a surprise
if u had the ability to hang onto this ride
Many have tried
with wisdom as a guide
Learnt never to confide the contents of my
insides (my innermost thoughts)
Never tell anyone what it is u really want

Misunderstanding's Understanding

To be understood is the greatest feeling to have
I never been fully understood
Maybe I am just like the people that I don't understand
No matter how expressive I think I am people
constantly misinterpet my intent
My energies have been spent
explaining my thoughts and feelings
However, none of these explanations seem to help me
in my dealings
In the least bit
The fact remains that after losing people in your life
there is an ample time and space for self reflection
you begin to ponder every single inflection
to see where u went wrong
Wondering how long
must one endure heartache knowing that
they somehow was the cause of their pain
Name tatted on my heart
Sad u had to part
Here I am back at Start
Tired of  hurting those i truly care about
Pondering an alternate route
to heaven...

A Hard Head Makes a Soft Bottom

Lesson learned
Expressing the contents of your heart
is the quickest route to having it broken
Some things are better left unsaid
why doesn't my heart feel alive
it feels dead
As i replay what was said over and over in my head
I am starting to realize that the heart doesn't
have a mouth for a reason
Its contents should be kept under lock and key
Especially if u don't want to happen to u
what happened to me
u c
This time I vow to never forget what i have learned to c
and what this situation has revealed to me
No matter how many warnings given
i still made that decision
to share what was within 
Only to reap the same results
I forgot about in the beginning
They say a hard head makes a soft bottom
especially when u have all the answers to your problems
and still can't solve 'em



Mary J Blige -Hurt Again

Another Chance

Looking back on life I ponder on
ways that I could of made my life better
and I  decided to implement those things now
At first i was confused about how i was going
to go about this
I realized in life I haven't always gotten what i wanted
because i wasn't always proactive
Fact is
i kinda allowed people in my life to plan my path

Realizing that i should have held the reigns tighter
it was clearly time to implement change
My entire life had been rearranged
New Epiphany: 
You can no longer spend your life doing things in response
to others
If u do people will look at u strange
In fact to be quite successful u have to be the
selector of  the next route on your path

Somewhere along the way
when I stopped to smell the flowers and lay in the grass
I allowed someone to give me wrong directions
and i went down the wrong path
that is how the first ended up last

u c this is when u listen to what the wrong one has to say
Cus the path that they suggested only seemed to work for them
I didn't even see a single friend
I realized then
that i must turn around
I retraced all of my missteps
and realized the best part of life has yet to be had
And boy was I glad
to think that my life would have ended that way
would of been so sad



 

Ode to the Earth

the beauty of earth
provides nourishment protection
and a place
to call your own
Resilient, forgiving
are two words that come to mind.
Along with the sunshine
it becomes the sustainer of life
Its a wonder why Man won't take the time
to do her right. 

Haiku (Children at Play)

Life's greatest pleasure
Listening to children play
It makes my heart sing

Haiku (Setting the Bar High)

I'm not conceited
I rather have the bar high
I am a winner

Haiku (New Threads Needed)

Why do I allow
My heart to be ripped to shreds
Time for some new threads

Lessons of Life and Love

I just want
to be loved
to be understood
to have someone love me
as deep as i showed love for he
to find the one with the key
that can unlock the inner workings of me
He would have the ability to see thru all of
the facades

I've ceased wanting to be at odds
with who I was
and who I have become
I am a work in progress and he will know and undertand
that we all are.
He would have come as far or even further on this journey of love.
And would be willing to weather any storm

However,
The only thing that I seem to have trouble with
is determining
just how far I should go
to wait for this relationship to grow to a point
where there is mutual understanding.
I have walked up so many landings
and realized that Langston
was some sort of prophet
One thing I never found out was how can
We Stop It.
Stop the sharp turns around the corners on the steps of life

It has been a hard knock life, indeed.
However, in love its hard for me to just sit down
So I must take it in good stead 
I cannot sulk about the rough patches.
No complaining about the doors with no handles or latches

Meanwhile, steadily turning down all the good catches.
Yet always wanting to complain
that there aren't any good men left in the world.

They are there!

They were the ones that opened the doors for you
and even pulled out the chairs 
However, you felt they were just too nice
and didn't really care
for them in that way
They were the first ones there willing to give solid advice
But you'd rather chase the unavailable
the unattainable
Wanting the ones that Constantly leave you wondering
 if u mean anything at all to them

New Conclusion
There is no future in the title of  being
"Just A Friend"
Don't let me even begin
and,
These are the "men" you rather have in your life?
Treating you like a tramp and not as a wife?

I tell ya
I am done with all those types
I am only dealing with those that don't have those gripes
I think i have finally gotten it right
It was indeed a fight
to gain that type of insight
that only comes from true self respect
Not chasing after his checks
living by this wisdom shall surely help

B.u.t. Nowadays,
how u treat me is how I will respond in kind.
A high mountain for some to climb
b.u.t. one I'm undoubtedly ready for
I have learned to love
but now
always loving me more
tired of my heart being sore
My happiness is what I am willing and ready to explore
This is one thing I am sure and certain of.
My ode to the life lessons of love

Consistency

Attributed to Love

Love looks like
two people sharing
laughter, passion and life
Love taste like
chocolate syrup and whipped cream
It feels like
lovers intertwined on a sandy
secluded tropical beach
It sounds like
sweet words whispered
at the right time
It smells like
Grandma's sweet potato pie
It's why I live
why I cry
It's the reason I am still alive.

Right Track

Call me emotional
Maybe I am
because I know where I am going
and I know where I've been
Not trying to walk that path of heartbreak again
My heart has been broken by family, lovers and friends
No choice but to begin all over again
Mending all the pieces to my heart
Getting my life back on track
Making sure this time i keep my dignity intact
In fact this time i have decided to no longer share
my heart or the contents within
I know i've said this time and time again
But this time i really mean it
I've seen it shattered many times before
sometimes i wasn't able to pick up all the pieces from
off the floor
some of it got caught in the cracks
Some got swept away out back
Didn't know what was in store for my future
with a half broken heart.
This time not finishing what I did start
I decided not to stick around.
Tired of being clowned
for the poor choices I've made and continue to make
Realizing all that is at stake
every time decisions are made
I feel like a slave
to love
more like a stunt double
as though i must go and endure
all the pain
Meanwhile love gets to bask in all the glory and and fame attributed
to the emotion
whereas I get to walk around with a shattered heart
trying to piece it together like a jigsaw puzzle
This time i'll make sure i use a muzzle
Since my heart gets easily attached to the wrong type of
individuals
My heart suffering the consequences of my choices
not liking the residuals
I finally am in a position where it finally rejoices

So this time I dare not to gamble.
or listen to all the voices
that left my life in shambles
I'm going to just love me
And see where that takes me.

Mending back the pieces

Sitting in the same bed
same position
same thoughts swimming thru my head
They say when u do the same things expect the same
results
To think anything else would transpire is pure insanity
So with that being said
I truly must be insane
I was told that I should just forget u, your name
and go on with my life
I guess it would be the ideal thing to do
Especially when its as though I am in this alone
No longer waiting by the phone or any of the silly rituals
that accompanied that old behavior
realizing that will only bring me more despair
How dare I allow he
to monopolize so much of me and
my mental capacity?
Blocking out all blessings because i rather be with
someone that shows me
they aren't worthy to be with me
or is it that I am not
worthy to be with them?
Needing to wakeup and smell the morning coffee
brewing
realizing the things i've been ensuing
are just me living in a fantasy illusion
Tired of banging my head on the same wall
 I decide that the best
route of all is the one in which i cannot fall
And all though i may have to trod it alone
its all good
Atleast i will be spared the pain
that i feel everytime I have realized that i have lost my way
So this time I have nothing to say...
Too busy patching up the pieces to my heart.

Never happy when things end before they even start.