Growing Pains

Growing up is never easy
Fantastic thoughts tease me
While i imagine how u can please me

Can u please me the way that i
please myself?

or maybe even better?

I am prepared to weather any storm
or at least i thought so
There were a few things that i needed to know in order
to make such a declaration

Hesitation
only doing whats best
im beyond the point of giving possible suitors test
Put all my games to rest

Decided to live the best life for me
It may include u
It may not
But rotating is one thing i wont stop doing

Its just that now I'm pursuing
things that are going to totally complete me
Things that make me truly Happy!

Life's Journey

Reshaping my future
Reshaping my mind
Making sure my mind as
well as my body is totally refined
Let's rewind to a time
where I was in synch
what people  post sometimes makes u ponder and think
Are you living out your fullest potential or
are you just along for the ride?
In order to answer that I had to take a step on the
other side
Searching for the reasons why
i felt the need to hide
Somewhere between the lies that were told
Today outdated and old
So no longer can they take hold of me
I have grown thru deciding not to change who i be
because of what he did with she
that doesn't even concern me
why you ask
I decided not to take up the task
of carrying a burden to heavy to bear
Why would I dare?
Better yet why would i even care?
I would be too busy doing what pleases me in my life
Yes Iyanla was right!
In all of her books I read
my life has cosigned what she said
As I grow from every experience
I hope those listening are really
hearing this
'Cus I am proud of my life's achievements
I've seen it all from ladies and gents
to hustlers and pimps
However, I still remain who i was, am and always will be
And that's the best knower of me
One who strives for righteousness and Equality
Picture that after all that I still have the sight to see
the right path for me in my life
And I am prepared for the rest of this journey
so ready to take flight.
 
 

Life Giving Water

I know it appears that I am having a hard time
making up my mind
However that isn't the case this time
I have made up my mind and my heart
But this is when the hard part comes in
Cus that borders on the line of being friends
and lovers
U know frolics under the cover
I had a talk with my mother
She was encouraging of me pursuing my dreams
Sometimes the end result is not what it seems she warned
when i imagined it
It was like a fire was lit
a flame within my soul
the eternal ember of light
Began shining real bright
to the point where it blinded me
where i couldn't c
the blessings that stood there it just
couldn't be
Really like a magnet we attract?
So why couldn't u tell me that awhile back?
Why did u let it come to this?
A time where i just want to ball up my fist
and punch a wall sometimes
Cus I have some how resolved in my mind
u will never be mine
Seems like time
has repeated itself
Spoiled again cus i didn't realize the value of
my inner wealth
I retreat to my haven of solitude
I don't mean to be rude at all
Sometimes when i take a fall
i need time to heal again and correct my steps
Conjure up the strength of Hatshepsut
A new breath of Air
I take my chair and imagine it's a throne
I decide what tone I want my life to take
and play the songs of my life like they have
never been played before
Once i finally reach the door that leads
to my happiness
After taking all the test
that were given to me
I fall to my knees humbly 
admitting when i fall short of the Glory of God
every single time I feel the Rod of the error of my ways
My wisdom and retreat displays
That even I admit to at times being dismayed
i am not perfect I make mistakes
However, I am still here willing to do whatever it takes
to ensure that my heart doesn't break like it has in the past
Crying like Job screaming about the first being last
Alas! the realization the last will only be first when 
they put in the work
Its not about hocus pocus 
or being a jerk
Its about gaining understanding 
and using discernment 
and most importantly not allowing 
things to ferment 
The lessons learned is to
be proactive in all areas of life
Then only then u will know for sure 
that u will be all right
U won't have anymore of those sleepless
nights
Insomnia a thing of the past cus at this point
first will be the last and the last will be first
Just look at all those mishaps as a time to 
rehearse
Remember Always Put U First
Once u are full u can help others quench their thirst



 

6

I've entered a newer phase in my life
I have a new endeavor
As Thoreau spoke
I am embarking on living the life I
have imagined
This time I am doing it my way
Not letting any distractions come
I know the mistakes of yesterday
So Everyday when I arise I am given an opportunity
to recreate myself anew
Not really brand new
B.u.t. finally expressing my power to choose
the hells that I have created
By loving those that didn't want to be loved
so hard
That at times I became starved

So I put myself on timeout
No I'm not angry just needed time to figure
it all out
I am the one that has to live with myself
at the end of the day
I'll come around someday...
I always do
One thing that's true whatever
Good things I said I meant them and they were all true
And maybe even some of the bad ones
When I balance it all out
I still have no doubts
I am glad that I had a chance
to spend a moment in time with you
Must admit part of my dream came true
That was the part when I actually connected with you
Not even trippin when u do u
Even down to the joking we do
Is the reason why I feel this is unsavory
for me to do
So all those things you're thinking may be totally
untrue
Especially if u think what i feel for u
has changed
Maybe it has
and i just don't know
So until the unknown is known
I will end this poem
and get on with my life
But this time  in doing so i will ensure I'm doing it right
I promised myself this tonight
I will focus on me
The way it should have been and always
should be
I have to live out the highest level of Equality
cus that is no other than me
the only person I can be
 

Can I talk to you for a minute...?

I have come to a realization that
I hate when I am wrong
when it comes to matters of the heart
Cus always from the start I can feel the outcome
but never know how to depart
until its too late
at that time we are calling one another ingrates
because being hurt the only thing one knows
how to do is hurt
harboring anger and resentment
to another indvidual
because u allowed urself to be deceived?
However, if u looked closely under their sleeve
u would of saw the web they weaved.
a trap for u
only triggered by when u don't know
exactly what u want to do or want in life
I am glad I was spared the agony of my choice
Glad I raised my voice at the precise
time
Right before i lost my mind over them
Realizing some people are better off as friends
Especially when u can't define who they are in
the beginning
save u from sinning
U know wasting ur time of mindless
pursuits.
Us getting together at this rate who will it really suit?
Only u in the end?
I gave away all my power
i didn't know how to act
was giving away so much always wondered what
 were u giving back?
Communication we certainly lacked
Am i reading into things more than i should
Didnt want to live a life of coulda  woulda shoulds
so i decided to be good
was on my p's and q's
nothing but silence didn't know what to do
Was it that u preferred ur life without me in it.
I know u'll get back in a minute
Just know whichever way it was
or will be is is cool with me
Cus no mater what ur decision
 i will be who i be
and that's Equality
one of  the many attributes of me
u c they all make up the in and outs
Without them i doubt
u will be able to talk about me.
Cus I am all that u c
as well as somethings that you don't
One thing I won't
do is say
I can when I won't

I am sometimes too raw and unadulterated
to some thats why I am sometimes hated
However, I'm not mad
I really am glad
cus I know anything that I was engaged in
i gave everything I had.
So I am never sad.
Sometimes I may get mad
B.u.t. everyone has their bad days
don't act amazed
Like my days are different than your's
We all follow the same laws.
What goes up must come down
However, that is how the lost became found
And I was awaken to myself
It started with this natural thirst
I resisted
I almost missed it with my stubborness
I must confess
This life giving water is the best
i've ever tasted
thats why i am so careful
cus i don't want to waste it
by casting my pearls before swine.
So i will sit back until that time and unwind
 to a place where my audience is conducive to receiving
 the blessings that I have received
Where people aren't afraid to sometimes follow my lead
that's the way i wish to proceed
Don't boss me around like I am ur seed.
This is a warning please take heed...

Answer me this...

If I told you directly how i feel
why are u still in so much doubt
i'm ready to go another route
because i don't know how much i can take
i didn't anticipate any of this at all
i knew since last fall that this would be full of
problems
however i was willing to solve em
cus i wanted to be with u
b.u.t. at what cost?
My self respect remains intact
despite the fact
that i almost fell into that age ole trap
that i thought i mastered
sometime awhile back
This time i promised myself that i would go slow
And thru that process i got to grow
and c what works and what doesn't work for me
I needed someone to fully acknowledge who i be
and respect it
Instead of just giving me light and expecting me to reflect it
I have my own light too I already checked it
Sometimes it shines as bright as ur light in the day or as
bright as the moon at night  as it it reflects
So  i correct my ways and actions
basic addition and subtraction
Now I feel complete 
I am now able to compete
On a level playing field
Question is are you?

My Poetry Story

I used to look to outside influences
for inspirations to write
That was before last night
I decided that I have enough self love
(the main ingredient for being able to write what i write)
to carry my thru
while i do what i do best
to my life breath 
My poems will manifest me
I forgot how my old poems used to talk about the lil things sometimes as small as 
the way i breathe
Pages filled with how i love life
 and how things i sometimes cleave to
no longer holds the meaning it once had
However, I am still Glad
Elevate Elevating Elevation
Words that keep that resonating making me want to ascend
Realizing all life's blessings
I have received
And I am truly thankful
Thankful for my family and friends
Even for being someone's wife
it may have brought me much strife
B.u.t. it gave me another  reason to share my life
its also the reason I decided to chronicle my rise
So glad u are still along for the ride...
Watching as I tackle my life from every angle all sides
my pride, tears, pain, & story reflected in my work
full of glory
I continue to heal and rebuild me inside
Telling my story

Another Untitled Piece

Life has so many twist and turns
The moment u think u have it all figured out
Everything changes at a drop of the dime
Every single time I tell ya

So today I decided to watch the world
as the world watched me
If u listen closely i will tell u what i c
and what I saw

Next door from me I saw things that made
me question life
Downstairs I wondered what I would
do if I didn't have God in my life

No sense pondering on that
I thought as I sat
Cus I do
Its not the same one that u have
Cus mine keeps me from doing what's
bad

Whether he is mad or glad
He makes me feel like I'm the best
he has ever had
I never had him nor could I
He can't be contained
Even though people constantly
try to rename him
I know who he is,
was and I am awaiting to see who
he will be
My Equality

So I think
therefore I am and so is he
Forever loving me
In his special way
assuring me even if am ever far away
He will be just a phone call away
to say
Hey!
How are you doing today?
As though we just talked the other day

Remember April and May
Me and You got carried away
The way we relate sometimes
we don't have to say
A word...
B.u.t. know every word unspoken was somehow heard
Say Word?!

Word is Life
Word is Bond
I certainly c this today
Loving and appreciating life every day
I love waking up being able to say 
I feel good
Cus I do

Another Great Lesson Learned

You think you have me all figured out
I laugh at the thought because we never
had the conversation
So how are you so sure about my relations
So many hesitations is just an excuse to me
I have no time for that so i decided to do me
Always asking everyone else never asking me
and you wonder why you still don't know Equality
I'm standing right in front of you
but you still can't seem to c
What I represent is sometimes a complexity
i understand that
If you feel there is something I'm keeping from you why
don't u just come out and ask that?
Unless you think the answer is something u don't
want to know
Well you'll always have regrets cus u never even asked me so
There you go t
And the answer is what u think
even though it's not...
U never even bothered to stop
and ask about it
You chose to scape route it
with another excuse
So i'm at the point of asking what's the use
of exploring at this point
I'm about to escape this joint
tired of being
the only one making the point
of how i feel
seems like the same ole spiel
day in day out
Arrrgh sometimes i just want to scream, shout
and yell out
it's not fair
cus it really isn't
Imprisoned
by hearts desires
Called a liar
Really?
No judge No jury just sentenced to life
In the end it was your call.
My fall...
a blunder it was
Down side of messing with good ole love.
Always a gamble
Heart sometimes left in shambles
However, when you find the right one they will
make everything all right
So instead of crying I am smiling tonight
Cus I know all though it may seem so far I'm closer
my goals are in sight.
I will put up a great fight
I choose not to settle for anything less than what i have envisioned
That's what created the incision
between my mind and heart
Finishing what i start
Mending my heart
I set the parameters of how much i will take
Knowing my heart i mustn't forsake 
I do whatever it takes
to preserve who i am
Moving right along again
i had to cut away all the phoney "friends"
Those relationships surely had to end
they only bringing mayhem to my life
I guess I was kinda living a lie
Loving someone who never truly was mine
The only one I have is me at the end of the day
So just as sure as I was born in May
I can proudly say
I learned a big lesson in life today!

Rebirthed...Happiness is what you make it!

So since a greater me has been unearthed
I feel a rebirth of my love
Now its more genuine because I now know
how it feels to be loved totally
once i started fully loving me
I love so I know love
I live love and embrace it
Still not understanding why I was afraid to face it
It really doesn't matter because my heart never gives me a choice
Only truly loving the one that makes her rejoice
the one who picks her up when she is down
Changing all frowns to smiles
Even over many miles
My mind has traveled with my heart
it needed a jump start from time to time
I have learned how to explore my inner mind
and rewind to the happier times
This is what helps me thru the rough patches
After wrong matches
Wondering when will it be just right,
if ever
I tuck my sweater in closer to my neck
I think to myself what the heck
have i gotten myself into
realizing there is nothing i can do but take the ride
stop hiding what's buried inside
And finally live the life that i have imagined
who would of fathomed that it would all
lead to this
Me taking a plunge into the abyss?
Sealed with a kiss my fate
Using my heart as bait
 isn't my idea of a good time
Next time let's use yours not mine
Or get me the unbreakable kind
Cus i don't know how much more I can take
But this feeling is one I can't seem to shake
And I don't know why and I really don't care anymore
Because what does it matter
My heart has a mind of its own
That's all my life has shown
So I decided to submit yet again
Just hope this time it doesn't end the way it has been
How could it be when this time we really are friends?
Guess we'll c in the end.
Till then...
I'll keep you posted
This revolution will be televised
Because when i am in love that's something I can't seem to hide
I may hide the players involved
But you can tell I'm in love because i will be heavily charged
with life and love
Expression written all over my face a glow
that can't be replaced
Once I get a taste of Love's essence
a pleasant experience
Deliriously trapped in its clutch
Longing for Love's touch
as it soothes my mental
With it's gentle touch
never too much
always just right
So why fight
it's your fantasy right?
Remember you were always tight
whats different about this night?
Nothing so there is no reason to fear a thing
guess the difference is in being with a man
and being with a king
Enjoy the ride and see what it may bring
is what the me in me told Me.
I agreed and am ready to c just what that
means in reality...
 I finally opened my eyes and finally c
just what happiness can mean for me
It what I make it.

Birth of SoLiloQueen

I found me today
I was so excited
The introduction was...
well it was like I've known me for years
But I hid her due to reoccurring fears
She talked so much
we had a lot of catching up to do
Taking it all in
It was a hard pill to swallow so I decided to chew
it up slowly
I allowed myself to console me
Telling me about how I loved him more
more than I loved her
My life became a blur
because I didn't remember any of that
I guess because I didn't want to
I buried it so deep cus deep inside i knew
what she was saying was really true
At one point I loved him so much that I totally
stop loving who I be
How empty of me
Could I really have deceived myself into
that frame of thinking?
My heart began sinking
After a lot of rethinking I decided
I no longer wanted to live that life
This was what i decided when i grabbed a knife and
began cutting away all the layers that were making my life
harder
Myself gave me a nod no longer a martyr
It let me know that it was in agreement with the new path
I decided to take
I had to make changes because this Earth began to quake
All bad habits began to shake away
Nothing was no longer the same
I even decided to change my name again
Its not a sin
I've just discovered another attribute of me
I guess that was the birth of the SoLiloQueen

Loves Compliment

Sun Kissed Skin

Strong Embrace

Warm Smile

I am honored to bask in his presence

Both of us made from life's essence

I acknowledge my compliment

I will document every moment

from walking with me in my darkest hour

Guiding me thru to the light

Listening to my hopes and dreams

Purging me of my fears

Burning off his ears with tales of my day

Wiping all my tears away with sincere words

spoken at the right time every time

Always kind

even when angered

I'm handled with kid gloves

How can I not be in love?

Its Easy when he is nothing but me

When his perceived love is lacking

That's when I start stacking up on

Self Love reserves

Because all the things he does

is no more than what I can and do for myself

Inner Wealth

is what will always carry u thru

Especially on those times u don't know who loves you

Know that you do.

You will always be true to you.

Don't You Know -- Luther Vandross

A Loveless Affair with Love

I've been having a loveless affair with Love
for some years now
It's been showing up teasing me enticing me to love
But I can't love Love cus Love loves no one
It always shows up at the most inopportune times
You know the times where I have made up my mind
that I wasn't gonna love Love anymore
I promised myself
I thought my word was bond when I said I wasn't going to
love Love
I was so sure this time.
I said I was not going to understand cus that is all Love is
its the highest level of understanding
All the other times I loved Love I didn't have the maturity
to truly understand me
My maturity was certainly lacking because I in the past
confused love for infatuation
So many hesitations
Temptation, I had no problem ignoring
But the love aspect i kept exploring
Delving into the depths of my soul
No longing running, hiding or fearing what has unfold
I became bold
daring on my quest
Loving the loveless became my goal in life
A lot of times bringing me strife
However in the process i learned the difference
between the two
One had nothing to do with the soul at all
Its fleeting and you will certainly take a beating
the other is unconditional
Not fictional
It transcends time and space
It will have you on a chase
however it will never hurt you
That's only something you can do.
Its all in your perception and reception of that divine
force
No matter what course, you decide to take it will show its face
to you
Showing you exactly where you need to be
If only you would just open your eyes and c
what life has in store
Yeah it may seem a chore but it will cause you to grow
and really know, who you are
A Venusian I may be
 I will explore each chamber of me
Step by step learning who is she
This is life's knowledge of self quest
so shall it be
I stopped digging in my heels
Decided to go with the flow of life
Enjoying the beauty of the flowers I c
I feel love, life, freedom as it envelopes me
From stepping inside I finally find out just who really is
she
All I can say there is much more to Equality
than meets the eye
you just gotta wait and c  so sit back and enjoy the ride..