E-Sensual Thoughts

Sitting here feeling you as though you were here
Thoughts running thru my head
holding on to every word u ever said to me imagining
the moment you gaze into  my eyes
As my temperature begins to rise
i feel the moisture in between my thighs
and I AM BREATHLESS
I Feel the heat emanating from your being
as you gently kiss me on my neck
Feeling your warm embrace
you undress
every garment that falls beneath my waist
 u spread my legs and dive in for a taste, of my cream
I begin to scream, your name repeating it over and over again
as i begin to beg for more
while whispering sweetly in my ear
"you grab me near"
You undress me paying each nipple special attention
no need to mention because visibly total submission can be seen through me
Mission complete
but How could this be?
As you  caress me
i become paralyzed by ur touch
fixated and bounded by your love
Totally surrendering my soul to u with every stroke
At that moment i realized everything said and unsaid was no joke
I felt every word our love making spoke,
volumes
As I lay in silence quaking from the after shocks
Post orgasmic pleasure
u uncovered my hidden treasure
 with pleasure this time, no shame
 my essence tatted with ur name
 a mental cerebral type of thing
And It all began, with u making love to my mind
u made my heart sing
your presence divine
all  my dreams become clear.
But yet I'm still Living in fear
Biggest Problem...
i am here and
You are now over there
So all i can do is conjure u in my mind
And Dream of you until that time...
(╯︵╰,)   ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

My Heart: The Shirley Chisolm Effect (unbossed and unbought)

Letting down my guard to truly experience love has never been easy
But a man that is worth it will make it inevitable
My heart speaks to his vibrations
The sensations I feel when we connect
I feel as though the sun beams solely on ME! sometimes blinding me where I can no longer
see or feel Past hurts and upsets
Love in its purest form

I feel my heart growing warm
Melting the prison it has been locked in
Saying I love you and really meaning it
Knowing how much time it spent suspended in limbo refusing to beat
Because it had no reason to
I'm now able to say I love you
In a way that isn't forced
My heart still unbossed of course yet

It is freely choosing to love again
This time it chose to love a friend who has survived all storms
Tsunamis Typhoons and Hurricanes
Yet still seems to remember my name
I begin suffering from amnesia because
His touch and embrace erases all memory of past pain
Nothing profane in the love being shared
Still getting over my fear

I'm steady making progress
one step at a time
Honoring what life has brought acknowledging how my heart is still unbossed and unbought
yet it is choosing to love anyway!

Focused Thoughts

Realizing in every goodbye
there is a whisper of
hello to a piece of me that
Was lost
Situation that brings some to their knees
Causes me to stand tall
Realizing there is seasons to life winter spring summer and fall
You just have to weather the storms
Dress for the season
There is always a reason...
For every trial
Are u ready to swim some miles?
That's the question I ask these days
Especially when my heart has been dismayed
As those individuals fade to black
I realize what I lacked
Was something no one could give me
The love that I require requires consistency
Commitment
And discernment
I refuse to let my heart ferment
Thinking of time spent
Pondering if in some way did
I misrepresent my heart my purpose
Not losing focus
I walk with my eyes strongly fixed on the horizon
I keep rising
I continue to rise until all hurt feelings reside
Filled with pride
Knowing I wasn't the one that lied
I stayed true to me
Living out my highest equality
Remaining free of regret and guilt
Not crying over milk spilt
I know who I be and remain true to that
Knowing that it wasn't what I lacked
Just the Simple fact
I must more selective of who I attract.

Rebuiding Me

Using writing to heal me
I'm starting to c the patterns
That shape me
and my thoughts about love
Through the joy and the pain
The common theme that remained the same
is giving so much of me
Created every state of emotion
that surrounded my Relationship with he
My thoughts ...
my actions
The ignoring of the many infractions
All in the name of love
Tough it seemed
sometimes Because my heart always seemed
to c the good in bad situations
Realizing the vibrations changed
but my heart remained the same
Incarcerated fixated on
Unconditional love
The ups and downs the ins and outs
Thinking that this is what true love is all about
Forgetting the most important key
That's doing what compliments me
I humbly Await
This time not tempting fate
not only gaining the understanding
But living the truth this time
I made up my mind that I deserve so much better
Following my new found lesson
To the letter
I am healed
My heart will not be concealed this time
It will be proudly on display
I fast and pray
I make the right choices in the future
Making sure I do what suits her
You only have one heart
So I cannot
I will not
allow it to be torn apart ever again

Everybody Plays the fool?

Loving Myself...

Life changes
often rearranges how i feel
Complacency is a place where i refuse to rest
After all these test life seems to put me through
But I am no fool
nor am i anyone's doormat
Many days I just sat still
and thought about
where i was going
where i was coming from
and how I got
and will I get to
where I need to be?
I apologized to my heart
this time on bended knee
hoping this time it will forgive me
for making the same stupid choices
i made in the past
hoping that this one time the first would be last
and finally the last would
be first
Am I cursed?
Today is mother's day
Ironically today i  give birth to a new me
I am still going by the name of Equality
its just that the new me
is really free this time.
i think i need to print up some signs
to let people know
that this girl over here
had time to grow
and is starting to c the seeds bloom that were planted
way back when I learned how to sow...
Its harvest season
so u know
u can tell by the fruit
blossoming in the sun
I had enough of all the games
they weren't my idea of fun
I thought u were the one
i must of been mistaken
When u inquired about my heart
I should of told u it was taken.
I guess it would of saved me from breaking it again
Lesson learned
I'm ready to move on with my life.
Realizing being somebody's wife may not be the way for me.
Upset that my heart had to be broken into a million pieces for me to c.
Can't complain because in the end my eyes are wide open
and now i c what i am supposed to c.
The only one I need in my life is me!

Emotions

Emotion runs deep
Plunging into the ocean
Almost drowning to wake up
and become blinded to today's
reality
That things are a lot harder than it initially seemed
How could the situation of my dreams
turn into a nightmare
As I sit and stare at this same wall
Wondering How did I fall from grace
Looked in the mirror and realized who
i really needed to face
I had to give myself a taste of my own medicine
Realizing how I have to be just as consistent as I want
others to be
How else can I be who I say I be
A heavy burden to carry

 

Shape Up or Ship Out!

A wish granted
Now what?
The newness has worn off and the real work
must be done
I can tell u now  it's not always gonna be fun
Do u have what it takes to make it last
Can u complete a task u have begun?
Lesson number 1
the importance of maintaining the balance
u said u was up to the challenge
Now show n prove
i admit u have a lot to lose by not carrying through
u should of thought about that when u decided to woo me
u thought u could chew and consume me
and i would be yours just like that...
think again
if that's the case i'd rather us just be friends
cus that is not the path i decided to take
no matter how my heart may ache
i must do this for my dignity's sake

Unhappily Ever After, Again?

in trying to find answers

i got even more lost

something about not seeing the forest for the trees

some situations have the ability to bring u to ur knees

bid u adieu

or even

make u at ease

love sometimes can be a tease

especially when one

forgets that it's we and

not just me

in a relationship

I almost had a fit

Then I had to learn to let go

Even though my heart

Mind body didn't want to do so

Somethings just have to be done

Life changes

people that were so familiar

have now become strangers

Its as if u never knew them

Wondering why did your heart even choose them

to begin with

Disappearing in a fine mist

leaving me with no one to speak my language

Feeling the anguish

I decided to finally let go

See what the future decides to show this time.

Cloaked Thoughts

i find myself at a crossroads in life
pondering a choice between present and future
the present is familiar but it isn't always pleasant
the future is cloaked in the unknown 

Wondering what threads
would adorn me today

As i look through my wardrobe
I pick out the best outfit that suits me

Something not so tight
Fitting just right

At least I thought i picked the right outfit tonight
But somehow now that I step outside of the house
everything doesn't look alright anymore

The way the outfit laid on my curves
Got on my nerves

So I went home and changed

Now this new outfit...
Well lets just say I got to get used to
the way it flows

But the nods i get when I step outside
this girl knows
she looks fine

Now i know u know this poem has nothing
to do with clothes it represents
my mind.

Back On Point

tear drenched cheeks
fear begins to speak
louder today
than yesterday
feeling the change in seasons
so no reason to cry
it will all be followed by the teasings
the i told you so's and pleadings
How did i get back here?
at a place i vowed to never return to
i had once made up my mind to divorce
the entire concept of love
just because i am sick and tired of the games involved
change names
still the same
nobody got time for all of that
time to grab my life back
out of loves hands
because if  i  don't no telling where i will land
this last time i was caught up
it was  as though i was in
quick sand
lesson learned
 watch what hand
u take
to lead u to freedom
cus right now
my heart is bleeding
i toldja so season in full effect
getting my feelings in check
I was caught slipping
yeah i know i was tripping
B.u.t. I'm back on point

Moonbeam

Moonbeam
Social commotions
Leads to mixed emotions
About my Being
Am I seeing
things clearly?
or am i merely
creating a fantasy image?
So vivid
So real
that i feel
it’s the real thing when it really isn't
or maybe it is
when we are together i feel like we're little kids
having fun living out our inner most desires
so safe to say they were all liars
when they said
there is no such thing as true love
this one seems to have been sent from above
i have come to realize that chivalry was
dead a long time ago
yet this one had decided to show me
that just wasn't so
And He did it with the love that He showed
I was taken aback
to realize and know
that my calcified thinking just had to go
There was no way for us to grow 
until i divorced everything i know and thought i knew
much to my surprise he was making me all over brand new

At first I was startled by the changes b.u.t. with all the
rearranges i began welcoming 
all changes
strange as it seemed
I welcomed Him on my team
Smiles gleam
The moon beams
True love so it seems

Equilibrium

Love and Pain
go hand and hand
Like man and woman
Lonely thoughts give way
to Love's embrace
Only to have it all thrown back into
ones face
A bitter taste
after
tasting the syrupy sweet
Being swept off my feet
Only to be dropped
Heart stopped
A feeling of being caught
between a rock
and hard place
I braced for a fall and realized
that thud
Never happened
Life in closed caption
Words expressed 
in broken translations
Heart sensations
Resisting temptations
Because I am stronger than that
So I sat
and thought about my actions
One of Life's infractions
 Realizing true satisfaction
Is
Quality over Quantity
Not allowing just anyone inside of me
Not upsetting the balance is key
on maintaining Equality
Follow me?

You're in Good Hands

I was once afraid to explore the deep recesses of love
I was convinced to dwell on the banks
I always thought I really knew what love was and what
It meant to love someone
Boy was I wrong
I never knew the deep intimacy involved
The exploration of what caused my heart to palpitate
So my heart and mind finally resonating
a sense of unifying with my higher self

Petrification
Describes how I felt
When asked, my closest friends they said do as u shalt
No resistance encountered

As each day goes by
We draw closer and closer
Emotional roller coaster
One that I don't want to get off because
I c the larger picture
And it’s worth the cost

I put away the need to always be the boss
But of course
If it’s needed I know how to retrieve it
I really like the way he has me feeling
Constantly revealing more of who I am
With no fear
insight

Especially that night
When he made everything alright
In fact he knows the importance of
Communication

The sensation I get when I hear his voice
As I ponder in my mind did I make a good choice?
Then he always does something that cosigns my original
sentiment
He is a gentleman
to say the least
He had the authority to tame my inner beast
The one that comes forward to keep certain people back
Making sure my heart stays in tact

He had a way of keeping all that at bay
Then I remembered all those nights I stayed up to pray
To send this type of man my way.
So I stopped with all that too good to be true jazz
and realized that sometimes the first is last and the last is first
He is your reward for your rebirth

You have been on a continuous journey throughout  life
And if you pay close attention at all the times you didn't seem to
get just  right.
There was always someone better along the road that made things
alright.

So tonight
Erase all fears
It's ok to take another route
And this time realize
 this is your reward for all of your bouts
So there's no need to doubt
You’re in good hands 

Thank You (Paintbrushes)

At one time I thought the world was black and white
Until you let me use your paintbrushes
and then I began to c
that the world had colour
and color in it.
So many combinations from pink to blue
I decided to take the colors that I had
discovered
and  paint my world all over
new
I suggest that u do the same too
cus the colors that paint my reality
are just so pretty to me
Get you some paintbrushes and u will c
How adding more vibrant colors to your life can be.

SILLY??? NOT!

 Silly - Deniece Williams
I am not silly
No matter how many times my friends begin to sing that song to me
That is not something I can ever be
I made sure I did
All of the things to guard me
in this instance
so even if he is distant
i am protected
I am comfortable with keeping the company of me
i define me whether he is beside me or not
So, NO!
I AM NOT SILLY!

in for the long haul...

New Focus
New Plan
Same Man
If anyone can make changes i certainly can
I will try my hand at a different approach
Aligned with the right coach
i can tackle any obstacle
No problem is too big or too small
I will tackle them all
with the same tenacity
If anyone has the audacity
to doubt how sincere I am
Let the Games begin!
If you feel the need to put my love to the test
I have no choice but to manifest
how real it really is
I am always game for a pop quiz
In the end you are going to find out what it is
And what it has always been 
I am not going anywhere my friend.

Can't Go Against Nature...

Indecision Breeds
Missed opportunities
or so u were told
in the days of old
that may have held true
but today 
what does it say?
Out of desperation some may hold on
waiting for their number to be called
I won't be one of those that fall for that trap
I am glad I had the opportunity to get my life on track
I got rid of a few of those baggage sacks
Realizing how they ravaged my life
Vowing to take over full control
taking it all back
In fact,
I had to beg and plead to keep things intact
was it self esteem that i lacked?
or was i just full of love for you?
is that wrong?
Having a love so strong
that you prolong the pain of not having what you
truly desire
Hearts on fire
Knowing deep down that you may be nothing more than a liar
Am I comfortable being lied to by u?
How do I suppose to know if that is how you truly feel
if your actions always reveal
something different
as u place me on the shelf from time to time again
Am i just someone u can laugh and joke about to your friends?
When I make amends that means I want to start all over again
No one likes to lose one of their most cherished friends...
Is it a sin to feel the way I do about u
As simple as 1 and 1 makes 2
Is how easy it is for me to love u
the way that i do
This isn't fun at all
every time i take that fall
i can here the laughter at my embarrassment
hating to fall especially in the sight of others
I decide to take cover this time
Hiding in plain sight
I realized this feeling isn't something I can fight
How can the moon decide not to reflect the sun's light?

In the Meantine....

Hearts that have been cracked
and put back together again
have a way of beating to a different tune
It never seems to have the same rhythm it had before
I guess because some of the parts were indeed shattered and scattered about the floor
As i explore, deeper
I realize it is apart of a security system
One put in place to keep the heart resilient
Well in my new found resiliency
I don't allow anyone the opportunity to occupy me or get that close to me again.
You even have to be careful with the ones u call your "friend"
barriers and walls in place
I retraced my tracks and made sure I picked up all slack
I am Stopping any feelings from ever coming back
As i retrace the steps of my  heartbreak
One  fear that I can't seem to face nor erase
is going back to that lonely place
I was just stopping off for a minute
didn't see how i could get so caught up in it
what matters right now is that i am free
I'd be damned if I allow anyone to take my liberty
away from me..
 I'm just gonna wait until all the smoke clears
and see what it is going to be
In the meantime I am just going keep doing me

Suck It Up....

I had to make amends with Confidence yet again
cus I allowed Ego to come in again.
This time Confidence wasn't as resilient as they were
in the past
And decided this was the last straw
No more did he want to be confronted
by Ego again
And decided to end our friendship

Wallowing in self despair
I looked in the mirror and just stared
past all the pain
all the hurt
and realized
He was right

Why should he have to put up a fight
with someone that just didn't seem to get things right

I thought I was worth at least that
Boy was I wrong

Pop in some Ne-Yo songs
I suck it up and get over it...